Business & Finance

Now is the time for divorced or separated parents to make plans for special summer time access. In the summer the usual routine of school and work gives way to vacations and the host of new activities extended daylight hours make possible. For most of the year it makes sense for the kids to spend most of their time with one parent and see the other on weekends or even just alternate weekends. But summer is the time for kids and “access” parents to really spend some quality time together. Here are a few things you should keep in mind when you are discussing summer access arrangements.

Nothing stays the same forever. Therefore, even if you have a court order or separation agreement that spells out in precise detail what summer access should look like, try to keep an open mind and be willing to take a fresh look at whether that schedule continues to serve the best interests of the children. Obviously as children grow older and other circumstances change a wise parent will take these changes into account rather than ritualistically following an outdated formula.

A word about deviating from court orders and agreements may be in order here. First, it is okay to change the terms by mutual consent without going back to court or signing something. However, if you feel more secure with something in writing a note, dated and signed, with the agreed upon changes should be fine. You should specify that the changes are by mutual agreement and that if one of the parents no longer agrees to the change then the original terms of the order or separation agreement come back into play.

Do not forget to seek input from the children when making your plans for summer access. It should be a priority for the children to spend extra time with the parent they see less of during the rest of the year. However, this time can be even more valuable if the children are not required to give up other activities they wish to participate in in order to spend the extra time with that parent. The older the child is the more important it is for that child to have his or her own time and engage in activities here she is looking forward to. Look for ways to become involved in the child’s activities rather than for the child to always have to fit into your activities.

Special events call for special arrangements. This has application throughout the year but there are more likely to be special events during the summer. There may be birthdays, holidays, family reunions, special trips, etc. Where both parents cannot participate in these events with the children serious consideration ought to be given to which parent is most closely connected to the activity. It would be wrong for the children to miss out on Dad’s family’s reunion just because it falls in the middle of Mom’s 3 week vacation. That is, unless Mom planned a special 3 week vacation trip making the trip and the reunion mutually exclusive. When events conflict consider which would be more fun for the kids and parent to spend together. Are there any special benefits the kids will get from one rather than the other activity? Will there be other opportunities to participate in the activity or is it a once-in-a-lifetime event?

It is important for the access parent to effectively use the extra time with the children to build, or rebuild strong relationships. This will probably mean adjusting your own way of doing things – turning off your cell phone, checking your e-mail less frequently, spending less time working, etc. When children are younger their happy if you can just find ways to involve them in whatever you are doing even if it is just some gardening, home repairs, or other things that we typically do not think of as interesting or fun. As the children get older they will want to be engaged in activities of their own and your involvement may be limited to showing an interest in what they have been doing, watching them at play and encouraging them. If you can find something that they are interested in that you are either good at or equally interested in than you have struck gold.

The bottom line is that flexibility and cooperation serve the children so much better than confrontation and rigidity. Even parents who have not separated must negotiate with each other and make trade-offs when making plans for how to spend the summer. Each parent needs to place the children’s best interests above all else and this almost always means making sure they maintain a close relationship with the other parent.